On the subject of Evolution

Man, like many animals, can be both tribal and territorial... As a species, we have always found enemies within our ranks based on lack of knowledge about the enemy and distrust... However, within the past 50 years, increased technology, more access to education, and increased ease of travel has ruined the myth that the perceived enemy is really that distrustful, or indeed is really that much different to us...

So, now that we have removed these barriers, and the local has become global, (especially since the advent of the internet), we can continue our evolution as a species, and move forward without this perceived threat from the other tribe, which will in turn change our environment, and ultimately our physical makeup (if we are to believe the words of Darwin)... Because there really are no tribes left, there is a world united by technology, travel, and education... and this is increasingly the case as time progresses..

Yet, in these exciting, progressive, revolutionary times that we live in, there are people who still cling to the old ways, and see the world in a tribal and territorial way... It is my opinion that the behaviour of these people is closer to animal than it is to enlightened human...

Thankfully, this seems to be happening less and less, and we are moving towards a species that shows mutual respect and celebrates difference and individuality rather than condemns it...

This might appear obvious to us now, but what's remarkable is that it really has only started occurring in the past 50 years... even though man has been around for many thousands of years, perhaps even hundreds of thousands of years... the rate of development seems to be increasing exponentially, and I can't help being extremely interested to see what comes next... hand me some popcorn, I think it's gonna be good!!!

Colin Powell = Legend

listening to this man speak, it has occurred to me that he has a rare intelligence and character...

further down the path

Recession is starting to bite in Ireland... I've noticed it with quite a few people I've talked to - although pretty much all of them are in the building industry... I feel pretty safe in web technology in any case... I actually welcome the recession, for one, maybe all of these people who've been making obscene money from working on building sites and investing in property in Ireland for the past 10 years will gain a little humility and realise how easy they had it... There was a time when getting an education was seen as an worthy investment, maybe those times will return... The boom wasn't very kind to me... There's something in me that says the recession will be much much better...

This thursday I begin a 'start your own business program', run by the local government... I've a feeling i'll learn a lot - considering that my knowledge of this topic right now is zero... Before I get to my music site, I've decided to be realistic, and build a much more feasible e-commerce site... selling a product (obviously not going to say here what that is), with a business partner who has a lot of expertise and resources in a particular area... he doesn't know much about the web though, so that's my domain... The idea for the site is also mine, he just liked it enough to get involved...

Ok, so i'm much further down the line than when I started this blog... I'm still studying and researching, although now, my understanding of everything is more complete... I've learned how to use (and hack) Joomla, a content management system, which ultimately didn't give me the tools necessary to design what I want to design... I've come to the conclusion that I like full control over a project much better, and this involves modelling my objects, the old fashioned (and better) way, using an MVC framework... I flirted briefly with using Java, and while it wasn't entirely a bad idea, I've settled (for the moment) for using Rails and Ruby... so right now, i'm about 200 pages into an 800 page book on Ruby on Rails, and so far, so good... it's all making sense... I did learn a lot about applying front-end stuff with Joomla... I've also learned that php is a bloody ugly language to work with...

The biggest obstacle for me right now has been efficient use of time, and actually getting the work done... I've been undisciplined, particularly in the past week, and i'm starting to get restless again... I really am happiest these days when I'm working... But it's hard when you're your own boss and don't have set working hours...

On the plus side, I've bought a brand new shiny macbook pro, although I must admit this is more for music purposes than anything else - my dell was killing me... My current music project is Brian Deady, a singer from cork, and I'm helping him with everything from production, to setting up his Live Show... I'm also doing some production work for Rafa from Mexico City, and I hope to do some kind of live set soon with local musicians - pretty much a jam I hope with some electronic backing tracks...

as well as buying a Mac, I installed ubuntu on my dell, and cleaned up my harddrive (another reason why I didn't get much work done recently)... I also bought an iPhone, pretty much out of curiosity as a developer... It's pretty cool to have, but I don't see massive potential there for me as a developer right now, plus, I've enough goals at the moment, without setting another...

I'm currently finishing a website for Niwel Tsumbu, a close friend, and excellent musician, using Joomla... This is something which I must finish before I do any more work on Rails because he's waiting on me... I also have to learn how to upload it to the host and get it to function correctly, which I haven't performed to date...

viva la learning curve!!

more on application frameworks and programming languages

I'm still running into issues on which application framework to use... I spent the last number of weeks learning how to use Joomla, based on several people's advice... So I went ahead and put some long hard hours into learning it, and succeeded in doing so, and even built some sites using it, but it has become clear to me that the websites that I want to build are not going to be built in Joomla... For starters it's modular, and every single module you download has some kind of link to it's developers website... That's bullshit!!... So every module I download I have to search through it and remove the unwanted parts, which isn't always possible (needle, haystack etc.etc.)...

I was considering learning php for a while and diving further into Joomla, but have been strongly advised against it, and I can understand why... It definitely doesn't fit my requirements... On the plus side, I now know how to use Joomla, and am far more comfortable with front end stuff like xhtml, and css, which can only benefit me, given that in my opinion, the initial 'hook' of a successful website is always a good front end...

So that brings me back around full circle, continue my learning of Rails?, possibly, but then, there's also Java - this has been popping into my head quite a bit... Especially since I've already completed one major project in Java... I was made aware that there are web frameworks out there that might fit my specs, and Java programmers are always in demand in the jobs market... really, I don't know why I ignored it... I suppose I'm always in search of the superunknown... But I guess, I always considered Java to be more for desktop/business database apps..

So I emailed Tim O'Brien, based on an article of his which I read re. web frameworks, and he took the time to email me back, very helpfully... Based on his advice, I'm going to investigate using the Google Web Toolkit (Built for Java), along with Spring (possibly) as a web framework... On top of this, I'm considering returning to College to finish my degree - 12 weeks of lectures left, along with work experience, and a project - which will be my web-music project... hopefully I can pull off a first class honours, which will leave the door open to a masters or Phd in the future..

So here I am, nearly a year later, and still floundering... but I guess it's part of the journey... you have to flounder to progress... it's all part of the curve, and the comedy... and considering that this time last year I didn't know how to program at all, I guess I can be pretty proud of myself... where will I be in a year's time?, I can't say, but i'd imagine i'll have learned an awful lot more...

this is sparta

14 million views on youtube - this is today's silent phenomenon... blink and you'll miss it... it's a stealth superstardom that doesn't pay any money... it's a 100% pure art form, with no pretenses... it's wacky and zany, and is far more than just the sum of it's parts... it's a distinct commentary on the world that we live in, and a parallel cyber manifestation where just about anything goes... it's an extra dimension of human evolution... this truly is madness!!!

something to cheer about

I never mentioned this, but I got my exam results in the past week, and scored pretty high, getting a merit grade 1 - which is just under a distinction... Pretty happy with that - however I was brought down by 2 bad lecturers in particular (grrrrrrr), only for which, I would have scored a distinction... Still, a merit grade 1, with 3 years of study compressed into eight months, is a pretty noble achievement, and one that i'm quite proud of... I really hope to study again soon, when the time is right...

So, this is stage 1 in reinventing my life over with - I've proved to myself again that I can perform... and I'm driving forward with gusto in learning Ruby on Rails and other web technologies... and what's more, I'm enjoying it immensely, despite my pauper status...

sacrifice

ok, so I've pretty much settled into the summer... and it's a mixed bunch. On one hand, I'm loving some of the people I'm meeting around cork, and I've got a decent social life here.. On the other hand, I'm broke as hell, and only working part-time at a sausage stand in the english market - which is great fun, and I get on really well with the guys i'm working with, but the pay is shite..

What's that I hear you say? 'Get a full time job somewhere and use your qualifications'?... Well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I have had interviews - mostly support engineering jobs, one for 40K a year with IBM, and I can say that it's not what I want, so why do it?... well I could do it for the money, but that's 40 hours a week, almost half my waking hours, and i wouldn't even want to look at a computer when I come home - fuck that. No, i'm learning away at my own pace - I've done a lot of HTML, CSS, Javascript, Actionscript - more to do of course. My main focus really has been on nailing Ruby on Rails, because the kind of websites I want to build will require some pretty advanced programming capabilities. And so far, I've been getting into it a lot and enjoying the process of learning it.

If I could get a job as a programmer I would, unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any out there that I want - they all require some experience... so my plan is to proactively get my own experience, starting with a few music websites for friends and my own projects... it requires sacrifice... it requires me working in the market for shitty pay, and seeing people I went to college with 10 years ago walk by... It requires me knowing that they wonder how the hell I ended up there at the age of 31 when I did an engineering degree... but fuck it, i'm on my own path, and I believe that it's the right one, so I have to stay the course and take the hit... both financially and to my pride... The main thing is that when I go home I work towards a goal, and that's something that nobody walking by can see... it's really only a temporary state...

So here's to life, and to progress... because sometimes you have to jump off the ladder you're on, to get on the one you should be on... It's not easy jumping off... it's a hard landing, and it may blow up in your face, but that's the risk... Once you have food, clothing, shelter, health, and some love, you should theoretically be covered...

Post-exam stress

So, I've finished the exams roughly a week ago, and all of a sudden reality has reared it's ugly head. I was pretty happy in my exam bubble, blissfully unaware that I would have to actually make some important decisions when I was finished the exams. But the time has come, and I have some decisions to make.

Study has not been a problem since I finished, I've been pretty motivated, aside from a 3 day break where I was applying for jobs. I devoured the first part of my ActionScript tutorials, and at present, I'm chewing up HTML - easy stuff I know, but I still have to know it if I want to be a web developer. I then tackle XHTML, CSS, Javascript, AJAX, maybe get back to finishing Actionscript (I've been promised a bit of work in this area - we'll see how it works out), and then a mammoth Ruby on Rails session to top it off, after which, I'm sure i'll be confident enough to start developing. I've actually been relishing the prospect for a while, and still am, so that's a good sign. If I keep going at my current rate, I should be ready to start in earnest in about a month.

The biggest problem for me right now is practical - i.e. where the fuck am I going to get some money from?? This is stressing me out. I've been applying for a few positions, in particular, Java Web Developer positions, but most of the responses I've been getting back are that i'm too inexperienced for a role like this. So the choice is to get another tech support position supporting web apps and the like, BUT, I'm really worried that this will lead me down a very bad road, similar to my five years at EMC - what's the point in hopping on another ladder that i don't want to be on?? AND the pay is shit. After a degree in Engineering, five years of experience, and another degree in Software Development, I'm only worth 28K a year!! This barely amounts to paying the bills, and to be honest, I feel like society's bitch - especially considering that people I went to school with who did apprenticeships in blocklaying have been earning over 100K a year for a few years.

Now, money isn't the be-all and end-all of everything, but it's important nonetheless. To be honest, my instincts are telling me not to worry about a job or money, to just learn, and do. But the reality is that I do have to make money in some way. I feel that if I have a few weeks to learn, and develop websites as I want to do, that everything will start to take more shape - especially if I have a portfolio demonstrating my work under my belt. If I can land a job that I want, then i'll take 28K a year, but not for some shitty support job that robs me of my pride, and my drive.

At the moment, I don't really have a plan of action, besides putting my head down, and learning as much as I possibly can, in as little time as possible. This actually makes me happy (the prospect of getting a support job makes me miserable). I'm staying at my parents house right now, so I have that security at least. I'm really just following my instincts at this point, and it feels like the right thing to do. I'm in fight mode. This is the point where I have to stand up and be counted, to prove myself.

But I still need a plan for the coming weeks because my girlfriend is coming to live here for two months in about 2 weeks, so I really need something. Maybe a job in a pub??

Only one more exam...

Well, my last exam begins in 4 hours, and only lasts only one hour - it's by far my easiest subject, I've already passed this one, i'm all but finished...

I have to say, these last few days/weeks, I've been feeling so much better about things... I think the exams went pretty well (all except for one) and I'll be hoping for an average of at least 60%, hopefully higher (actually in most exams, i'll be hoping for 70%+, but the project result is worth 2 subjects, and i'm not so sure how they're gonna mark that)... Not bad for cramming 3 years of learning into one... I feel like I've achieved something, and it makes a huge difference to my general mood...

I'm now looking forward to starting my career as a web developer (wherever that will lead me), which I begin in earnest once i've recovered from my hangover over the weekend... I'm beginning with actionscript, because I've got a project coming up which has to be done by June 10th, and there's possibly more work coming from that source, so it's important to do a good job here... Still have to learn actionscript though :)

At the soonest possible time, i'm going to engage Ruby on Rails, followed by PHP (probably), then AJAX and Javascript... and hopefully I can pick up some more projects on the side... just here and there...

I haven't come up with a concrete plan apart from this (get a job with a company?.. or not??)... but i feel like learning a bit first before I decide, and maybe working on some personal projects (obviously the main one being my music project - but I've plenty of other ideas also)... as well as other people's... I think the best way for me to go, looking down the line, is to get a job with a really shit hot web development firm, so I can learn the best way to go about things...

I must admit, I look at blog posts I made a few months ago, and I feel a lot differently about things now... far less anxious, far less frustrated... more optimistic, more free... I guess, the exams, and study was a constant spectre hanging over me, and blocking me from what I really wanted to be doing... Everytime I engaged in learning something else other than schoolwork, I had this nagging 'I should be working on my project' or 'I should be studying feeling'... No more, and as a result of this, my mood has been increasingly good in the past 2 weeks or so... it really began to improve once I saw the end in sight... And now, at the end, I'm starting to get excited...

Still lots of work to do, but this time, it's MY work!...

the Internet - the solution to the problem of globalisation??

Ok, the title might seem like a contradiction on first glance... however, I don't think this is the case, and that's what i'm about to explain...

well, we have to ask ourselves what way we were going before the internet 'took over'.. The internet was revealed publicly around 1994. I really only feel that it became ubiquitous in around the past 5 years. Buying online with credit cards became much more common, social networking sites took over, and web2.0 became a mantra... Let's look at music, for example. Before the internet levelled the playing field, what did we have??, well, the pop charts were ridiculously bad - dictated by record labels, to radio stations, most of whom had a 5 song playlist. Getting music was much tougher than it is now. Finding good music alone was a huge undertaking..

What is the situation now??.. Well, basically, anyone in the world can get any music they want, at any time, at an extremely low cost, dictated by their favourite bloggers/DJ's/etc. It's the ultimate free market. And it's not just music, it's anything you want really (within reason - obviously you're not going to buy certain things online). It's now a global marketplace, with complete freedom of choice??

and what are people doing??, what are people choosing?? - well, in my opinion, people are starting to realise the value of what's relevant to them. Almost anybody, anywhere can now enter the market... People are CHOOSING local over global. They choose, because they now have a choice, and they can vote with their feet. They're saying 'give me the local news - i'm fed up with this CNN/Sky news bullshit'... They're saying 'ya, Paris Hilton, she's boring as hell, bitchy and slutty... now my next door neighbor, there's a chick I can dig - much more interesting, I saw her on youtube last night - holy fuck!!!'... They're saying 'give me something relevant TO ME!!!!'... They've seen enough bland homogenous shit to last them a lifetime (they've seen a lot of that online also), and now they want high quality goods and services, that they can relate to, at a low cost.. And if that's not provided, they'll shop elsewhere... this results in a necessity for local producers to provide those high quality goods and services... Both online, and in local shops...

Another problem with globalisation is the discrepancy it has created between developed countries and developing countries in terms of wealth. This is becoming less so at present with the likes of India, China, and Eastern Europe entering the global market in a big way... This is going to change things more and more in the coming years... I for one am extremely optimistic about where it will lead us (if we can just sort out the energy crisis, and carbon emissions)...

This is precisely why I'm fascinated by the internet.. I can see that it's changing the world beyond recognition, and overall, I can say that the changes are positive... I'm VERY enthusiastic about being part of all of this, and it's precisely why I decided to get myself into web development (although I should have realised this earlier)... I really think we're only just beginning... There's lots of ground to cover, lots of areas which require more expertise than many web designers can offer right now... and my opinion is that with slick, clinical design, and more functionality, simplicity, and efficient use of large amounts of data, that I can be part of this evolution...

Night Terrors

Ok, so I just woke up after a good bout of night terrors. Round about an hour ago, I was being chased by killer elephants, before that, killer gorillas, before that, killer man-gorilla hybrids. Those guys were mean, they were at war with the gorillas, probably the result of some inter-species breeding, or so my subconcious told me - i didn't need to give it much thought. It was all a bit mad-maxish... The whole time I was locked in a house, with a lot of empty land around it, scared out of my wits... When the elephants came, part of me went 'what the fuck is this?, elephants????'... seemingly surprised by the arrival of elephants into my dream. But the doubt of the veracity of this particular dream didn't last long, as I was gripped by the terror of being hunted by these beasts. I went into the front room, and closed the curtains, turned on the tv, hoping that these guys wouldn't see me, and that I could just relax and watch some tv. It worked because at that point I woke up.

Well, i really only have myself to blame, having gone on a mammoth drinking session the night before - one guinness turned into quite a few, followed by whiskey - my poison of choice recently... Nothing quite like a good whiskey in my estimation (Connemara is like smokey heaven)... problem was, at the end of the night, I wasn't drinking good whiskey - I was drinking bad, cheap whiskey... Ah well, all good... I needed to blow off some steam... and drink is not something I have any kind of weakness for, I derive no pleasure from consistent drinking - once/twice a week is plenty for me... there are some who can't go a day without it... luckily i'm not one of them...

I was surprised by the arrival of killer elephants though, I really thought the whole elephant - alcohol link was a myth, maybe I was wrong...

on the subject of Education

Ok, I must admit, i'm a complete ted-aholic. Every time I watch a talk I get inspired. This website is amazing and brings me much happiness. The talk I've just watched this morning inspired me to email the minister for Education, Batt O'Keefe. Not sure how much good it will actually do, but, why the hell not?? It's better to put it out there than to keep it in, right?

When I watch this clip, I'm reminded of my own Education in Cork. How many times was I chastised for being maybe a little hyperactive. How many times was I told I was bold?, How many times was I told to sit up straight, take my hands out of my pockets, how many times was I treated like a second class citizen?, and why? because I was a child. Maybe things are different now, maybe children get more respect, I should hope so, because we didn't get much back in my day as a kid. Some got much less than I did. I wasn't unique in that sense. Adults really should know better. But I suppose they were probably subjected to it too when they were kids, and the whole system just propogates itself. I'd really like to know how this affects people in their adult lives.

Anyway, here is a copy of the email I sent to Minister O'Keefe, along with a link to the talk that I refer to at the bottom.

*************************************************************************************

Dear Mr. O'Keefe

Congratulations on your recent appointment. It is great to see another Cork man in ministerial Office.

The reason I am emailing you today is very simple. As a citizen who cares about the future of our country I would be very pleased if you took 20 minutes out of your busy schedule to watch the following inspiring and relevant talk regarding the Education of Children. Click on the link below to be directed to the talk.

kind regards

Paul

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/66

Project Update

So, It's only about 2 weeks to go before I begin my little web project. I've been patiently waiting for the time when I could tackle it full whack, and the time is nearly upon me. And I'm feeling pretty good about it. I've done a lot of research, and I've made a key design choice. I'm going to write it in Ruby on Rails (RoR).

The more I read about this language/framework, the better it looks. I've browsed countless blogs and this really seems to be the bomb. To quote: Nathan Torkington of the O'Reilly publishing empire said "Ruby on Rails is astounding. Using it is like watching a kung-fu movie, where a dozen bad-ass frameworks prepare to beat up the little newcomer only to be handed their asses in a variety of imaginative ways."

I had some reservations about getting into Web Development. Namely every 2-bit hustler (ha!) can say they're a web developer if they know a bit of html, drupal, and css. The average pay for a non-contracting web developer is not exactly astronomical. But here's where Ruby on Rails comes in. Firstly, Ruby is a proper programming language (as oppose to a scripting language), with full Object Oriented functionality. Secondly, the Rails framework utilizes MVC architecture, which makes it easier to scale. Goodbye PHP, Hello Rails. I have a strong feeling that RoR is going to be an in-demand skill in the next few years. And better still, I checked the monster uk job pages for Rails developers, and while they're not hugely in demand (the Rails framework is still very new), the pay seems to be 45K - 55K, whereas your average PHP guy is getting 25K - 35K. Can't complain about that!

So, as well as being perfect for my needs in developing this website, it offers better prospects, AND it enables me to develop powerful web services more quickly than with any other framework. On top of this, I'm pre-empting what is going to be in demand in the future. I might be wrong about this, but if I am, I can't say that the experience won't stand to me.

I'm going to make 2 predictions right now about the next 5-10 years in computing. The first is that Microsoft are going to lose quite a lot of market share. They're struggling at the moment, I can sense it. And vista is widely heralded as a piece of shit. Microsoft is a tainted brand in most developers eyes, but they're trying hard to reel developers in with Visual Studio, .NET, Silverlight etc. etc. I can say that most developers haven't bought it, and probably will not. Steve Jobs has sensibly decided to stay the fuck out of it, and sell iPhones instead. Clever guy. My second prediction is that programming for the web is going to grow exponentially, with more complexity, and more demand for programmers. Things can change in this market very quickly, but I'm hoping that i'll be ready for the changes, and will be able to pre-empt some of them, so I can benefit from this. This requires that I keep reading, and observing what is happening in this realm. Something I have no problem in doing. This couldn't be more different from my role at EMC.

On the subject of happiness

well it's only natural to want to be happy... Some people achieve it better than others... So what's the secret?... I was at the shop in Ballyheigue the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn't actually happy... When I asked myself why, I couldn't answer, there's nothing majorly wrong with me, nothing I should complain about, I don't have any conditions (depression etc.)... so why am I mildly unhappy sometimes for no apparent reason?.. I decided to investigate.. I went to TED for answers, a website that I've been frequenting more and more, and I looked for all talks on the subject of happiness. I came across one in particular that resonated with me. I don't actually agree 100% percent with what the guy says; he talks about synthetic happiness, and real happiness, and then explains them... Synthetic happiness he says, is the one where you can be happy for no reason at all... and real happiness he attributes to actual events that happen in our life... I'd say the opposite - real happiness shouldn't have a reason, and synthetic happiness is one which we derive from material possessions or life situation...

Anyway, watching it made me think about my own happiness... and it also made me feel much better (eventhough there's nothing here that surprises me, or that I didn't already instinctively know).. Here's the link, should you feel like watching:

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/tags/id/209

drugs are bad mmkay?

Study

it's a lonely road... a CA tomorrow morning, and a final on thursday... really feeling the pinch now... there must be light at the end of this tunnel, i feel like i'm cycling up a hill, and i must be getting near the top now, because i'm pretty tired of this at the moment...

Nothing but exams

ok, so nothing much to report here, except impending exams... I'd really rather be doing something else right now, but c'est la vie - this is what I signed up for last september, and it's not in my nature to quit - especially when the end is in sight... I applied myself to this in the hope of giving myself a nudge in the direction of programming, and despite all my intentions to live my life dynamically and as my own boss in the future, I still feel the need to try and get some kind of respectable results for this year... However, saying something and doing it can sometimes be divergent, and at this point, my motivation isn't 100% - although I am motivated, it still is a chore...

I decided last week that in order for study to not be stressful, and for it to be effective, that I should concentrate on enjoying it... it's working to a certain extent, but i'm still finding myself reading through news websites, looking at facebook, or youtube a lot before I start studying, and this can take well over an hour sometimes... then the girlfriend calls me from canada - another hour of chatting at least... today, acupuncture at 2pm - my back is feeling the stress as well apparently... so I need to start maximising my day, because i'll squeeze maybe 4 or 5 hours of real study out of a typical day, when it should be 6 or 7, or even more...

Still, it's great to be finished with my project - which was a behemoth, a constant blot on my horizon - it was concerned with task scheduling, and allocation of resources within a project - quite a big task considering the many different variations which can be employed, and the logic which has to rule these variations... But ultimately, it's of no use to the world as a whole (given that it's already been done), and is really only something that I can talk about at interviews - but I've proved that I can work through some pretty complex problems - which has some value, and I really have benefitted from the experience...

I chose my project in a panic in the first week, when I really knew nothing of software development - I really wanted to do something audio related - perhaps MIDI/VST related - but my lecturers pretty much stopped me from doing this, one of them tried to get me to do something on FFT for audio signal analysis, but I refused on the basis of it being possibly a monster project, and also it's something which has been done a thousand times already... I just don't think I was at that level at that point and that week was very frustrating for me, and I really was considering dropping out right there and then - but I stayed with it... Actually in hindsight, it's maybe better that I did the task allocation and scheduling project because it gave me some good database grounding... and it's probably better to nail the basics first... I had never designed a database before, and this will stand to me...

So with the exams bearing down on me, what am I doing? - well i'm writing about it in my blog, instead of studying... i'm still confident that I'll do fine (but i'd like to do better than fine)... I have acupuncture now, and today so far has been a bit of a write off... but, it's 1.30pm, and i have until I get tired tonight to get something done.

ok, I have to go..

Recurring Dream

Just woke up, and had a dream which is based on a recurring theme... waves and destruction: Normally, everything gets washed away, and destroyed, leaving just me, and a few other people alive... This morning's one was particularly vivid... I was in a really nice, high up house (for some reason which i can't recall), and I looked out the window, and there was a massive (like absolutely huge) wave coming at me, which didn't destroy the house, because it was particularly sturdy, it smashed against the window, and didn't break it... But it destroyed everything else... I went outside and almost everyone and everything was gone... I spoke to a few remaining people (can't really remember what was said), and then I woke up...

This is one of a few recurring dreams I have, another one is about flying...

I suppose it's better to be dreaming about surviving, and flying, than being washed away, or falling... And it is indicative of my current state of mind - optimistic, and hopeful - yet challenged quite a bit...

the beauty, and burden of ideas... and my life story... - an essay

Ok, so, where do I begin??... well I have an idea, and one that I believe is damn good... it's a website, it's music based, it covers quite a few angles that are presently uncovered, and it's something that could be quite a successful venture and a positive thing, if and when it gets done... This is about as close to explaining it as i'm going to get right now for obvious reasons... BUT more explanation will be given when it's launched... right now, i'm shooting for September... So I guess, you the reader have 2 choices right now - 1. you can take my word for it that it is a good idea, and that there's something to it... or 2. you can pass me off as some kind of fantasist, escapist - something I have considered myself, and is entirely possible... but when I weigh up this idea, all of these thoughts aside, I actually really do think that it's a great idea... And in the end, the focus of this particular story is not the subject or the content - it's the idea itself, and it's realization...

It's funny, but when I tell a story, I have to give the background - set the scene... in this case - it's the story of my life thus far (that's normally the case with every story I tell)... Clever child at school, lots of potential, particularly in Mathematical fields, 520 points in the leaving cert... Studied Electrical Engineering and Microelectronics in University... didn't care for the course - discovered girls, drink, music, partying, and took these on with great enthusiasm... My studies however suffered, and I only just about passed every year. Got my first 'career' job in Engineering Tech Support, and hated every second of it, soul destroying job... ended up getting trapped for 5 hard years in this role (this was round about the time of the dot.com crash and the tech bubble burst), so I couldn't really see any alternative... Got severance pay of 26 grand (saps - i was planning on leaving anyway!)... At this point, I had the option of maybe putting a deposit down on a house, or investing the money wisely... what did I do?... went to Montreal, partied with freaks, and blew some serious steam off for a year and a half, worked all of six weeks in an irish pub - and found the best girlfriend I could possibly ask for (all things considered - I think it was the better choice)... also Throughout most of my twenties, I have engaged in a very time consuming hobby - that of composing and performing electronic music...

So I'm crazy I guess... Well you might think so reading this, and I'd forgive you, I'd even buy you a drink (i.e. it wouldn't bother me)... But to be honest, from where I stand, I don't think i'm crazy, just restless and unsettled... But I've had a good run, and I don't really have any major regrets (I've seen a whole side to life that I would never have seen if I had taken a more stable approach)... I'll admit, my twenties weren't exactly what one would call disciplined, and certainly I wouldn't consider them to be successful... But on paper - I have an Engineering degree, and 5 years of experience... And I know how to sell this... I'm not beyond redemption...

Which brings me to this year. I got back from Canada last September. While over there, I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life for now, is to play to my strengths - and that is to be a software developer... I don't like the term 'computer programmer' because it gives me an image of assembly-line coders (not the assembly language), with no imagination... I truly believe that I can marry creativity with technical ability, which is why i made this choice... I contacted a number of institutions (technical institutions that is), on extremely short notice, and got accepted into ITTralee, Co. Kerry to their 3rd year software development degree program (on the basis of already having an engineering degree)... which was kind of unprecedented as I've never really coded before (aside from the odd badly taught half subject which everyone cogged anyway in UCC engineering)... but I was right, I truly love coding, and I truly love the possibilities it offers..

Now, I'm very close to the end of the year, and while stressed out, I can honestly say I've worked my balls off, and have probably learned more off my classmates (mostly erasmus students) than any lecturers... I've had to learn 3 years of material compressed into one... which is a challenge and a half, and one that i'm proud of... I'm almost 100% sure that I'll comfortably pass this year - but I'd like to do better than that...

But what I really strive for most right now is some kind of success, and satisfaction... In today's age, work takes up about half of our waking hours. Personally, I'd like to live my life as a philosophy, and work for myself, and earn money from ideas and enginuity (something which a tech support role does not foster - being mostly procedural)... not curse every time my alarm sounds in the morning, to have to get on a train in some shitty city at 8am with the masses... No, I want to have the freedom to live on the Dingle peninsula for 2 months a year, New York City, or Montreal for another 2, and maybe New Zealand in the winter... It can be done, especially as a programmer - ok, maybe not this year, but in the future - why not... that is my goal... and I'm not averse to work...

So how does all of this relate to my idea??... well it does, it puts it in context, and it puts where i'm trying to go with my life in context, everything is connected, and everything is related... Why write about it?... it's therapeutic i suppose...

So I had this idea around last November.. it came to me in a shot of inspiration... and fired my imagination... and I sat down, and planned every aspect of it... it's a web based project... and it plays on some very subtle, human concepts and nuances, which I believe I can explore...

There are some excellent programmers in my class... And I went to three of them with the idea... They absolutely told me that they'd help me with it... and we had several meeting sessions about it... and they did offer some good advice, BUT they didn't do a lick of work between them - and I wasn't really in a position to work on it myself (apart from storyboarding it), being a complex web project with complex database requirements... I've never been so sure that something is a good idea in my entire life... I suppose you could call me obsessive...

Their lack of motivation could be explained by any combination of the following reasons... 1. They're lazy students (that is actually true of some of them to a certain degree), 2. it's not really actually a good idea (that's also possible, but not something which I believe), 3. it is a good idea, but they fail to recognise it's potential (this is something which I believe to be true - they're not really web music lovers/followers per se), 4. the school workload was too much for any of us to really concentrate on anything else (that certainly was a big part of the equation, especially from my point of view)...

But they're good friends, and great guys, and we socialise together a lot outside of college, so I don't really hold any of this against them... It has frustrated me quite a lot, but I've accepted that it's not a runner, and I'll have to wait for my opportunity... I think that there will come a time when circumstances converge to allow this to happen...

I did try some other avenues, but they also came to nothing... it's funny how all the signs seem to point to it being a bad idea... am I delusional??... you might think so - but really, honestly I don't believe that I am...

This is really something that I've had to discipline myself to be patient with... I've been sitting on this idea for 6 months now, and haven't even started developing it... I'm just waiting for the time to be right... because I don't have the opportunity right now, so I don't have any choice - this is the burden of ideas... and the beauty?... well that's pretty obvious...

then recently I came across a friend who I haven't seen in a long time... Art, fantastic guy... extremely intelligent... and a gifted musician... He also happens to be a web developer... So I asked him if he possibly might be interested, and he said yes... I met with him last night, and got him to sign a confidentiality agreement (something which I've learned is very important, just for peace of mind)... and I outlined the whole thing for him... And he seems to be very interested... is he going to flake??... well, based on experience, I would say that there's a one in two chance that he will... but i'll run with those odds... It would be fantastic to have him on board... and would speed up the process no end...

So, what are the options right now?.. well, first of all I finish my degree... then I tackle the skills necessary to develop the site; PHP, AJAX, Javascript, among others... Then I develop the website... if Art helps, fantastic... if not, I might find someone else, if that doesn't happen, I'll do it myself... simple as... because as far as I can see, I can only win... even if nothing ever gets off the ground, I've gained massive invaluable experience, and I have something with which I can represent myself...

right now, I care little for money... what I measure success by is quality of life, and the quality of the work I do... I don't want to be someone's bitch, I want to live by my own terms... I want to stand up and be counted... And I want to be proud of myself, who I am, and what I've achieved... Is that ego talking - yes, but I can't help it... this is something I need to do, before I can move onto the next stage of my life, and it's something that I feel I need to follow through with... What comes next???... I really don't know... But I'm willing to work with it...

watch this space

Bumptop Desktop - This is truly amazing

this, to me, is thinking outside the box - simple, yet genius.... user interaction design at it's best - and something which I (or anybody else) can aspire to... This is an example of exactly why I chose to study computing at this point in my life...

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/131

(sorry, for some reason I couldn't embed this video, i'll investigate later why)